A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doc., every time I drink coffee, I get terrible pains in my eye.”
The doctor says, “Try taking the spoon out first.”
A Doctor sent a tweet to his patient saying:
‘I have your test results – you have venereal disease and need immediate treatment’
The patient tweets back:
‘Can I get a second opinion?’
The good doctor tweets:
‘Yes, your Twitter page is horrible too.’
A prisoner who was given the capital punishment was getting ready to be hanged. A prison official asked him if he would like a last smoke.
The convict replied, “No thank you, I never smoke. I don’t want to get lung cancer.”
An Old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg. “I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.” “That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.” “How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor. “Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”
When my mother came to visit, she noticed I hadn’t once lit up a cigarette. “Are you trying to kick the habit?” she asked.
“No,” I replied. “I have a cold, and I don’t smoke when I’m not feeling well.”
“You know,” she observed, “you’d probably live longer if you were sick more often.”
“Doctor, you told me I have a month to live and then you sent me a bill for
$1,000! I can’t pay that before the end of the month!”
“Okay, you have six months to live.”
“Doc!” the man yells. I’ve lost my memory!”
“Calm down, sir. When did this happen.”
The man looked at him. “When did what happen?”
A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch So Mr. Smith went to this ‘miracle doctor’ to prove that he wasn’t anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, “Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can’t taste nothing’, so what are you going to do?”
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, “What you need is jar number 43.”
Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, “This is gross!” he yells.
“I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith,” says the doctor.
So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, “Doc,” he starts, “I can’t remember!”
Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, “What you need is jar number 43…”
Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them got together after to chat about the convention. One said to the other three, “People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.”
Then one said, “Since we are all professionals, why don’t we take some time right now to hear each other out?”
The other three agreed.
The first then confessed, “I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients.”
The second psychiatrist said, “I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want.”
The third followed with, “I’m involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me.”
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, “I know I’m not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t keep a secret…”